Thursday, November 03, 2011

From the heart

I have typed and backspaced so many sentences and paragraphs in the last week, trying to get this post started. As I write you, its 6am. The sun hasn't risen and my house is warm and smells like Toffee Nut Coffee. My babies are still sleeping and Paul has already left for work. Its just me and this white screen, with Adele softly in the back round. She is just loud enough that I can hear her.

I said before, that I tend to have so much to write about that sometimes I feel I babble. One of many fears. You lose interest within sentence three. So, writing about the way my house smells, what time it is, and whether or not the kids are up yet.. its hard to believe its at any other's peek of interest other then my own, but these first few sentences are the only ones that have come from my heart since last Tuesday.

My heart.

We reached closure last weekend.
Another important happening was mending a bridge that had been broken.

 I can tell you honestly, I lost myself in a moment of anger. I said some nasty things to someone, and regret that I wasn't strong enough to step aside and see what was really going on. Although the things I said were from the heart - it could have been said much differently.

Frustration was reached because both parties weren't hearing what we wanted to hear. What we were hearing was from the heart. And although it wasn't what we thought was true, what was said should have still been respected and we should have been able to move forward with it.

 Unfortunately pride and principle gets in the way - and I lost the real meaning of what is principle and right and wrong, that I wasn't myself. Instead of being respectful, regardless of what I wanted this person to respond with... instead of just accepting it and saying "ok" ....
.. my response was one I am shameful of and whole heartedly regret.

 There is such a fine line between the truth and respect. --I think!
You can tell someone the truth, but if its done in a disrespectful manner, how can the person receive it and respond constructively?
The challenge for me?
Not reacting in the moment.
Not seeing tunnel vision.

I've shared that I have some major anger issues.
And although its usually laughed about - its something that I have seriously struggled with.
Through therapy, I have sorted, dealt with, and moved on from my past that has made me angry.. along with some traits being inherited and learned, and I've learned more healthy approaches and ways of working things out. Putting your fist through a wall only hurts yourself. 
Having to see a therapist for that is ridiculous I know!

Anger is powerful. -But its takes strength and a strong sense of pride and principle to admit when your wrong.. and I proudly admit, I wasn't wrong... but I handled it wrong. I'm disappointed in myself - and I hope that if I am ever in that situation again, or one similar to it.. that I can step out of it and say in a respectful manner .... how I feel. Genuinely and from the heart.

Moving on.

Yesterday was the first day back in full swing of our normal schedule that consists of the gym, errands, cleaning, and trying to keep up with my two raging toddlers. Of whom, are fighting more and more these days. In between fights, there are still moments of "happy."

I try to capture every one of them. Some with my camera. Others with just my heart. Those I tuck deep inside so that when the awful moments sneak up on me - I can reach for those good ones and try to laugh them off. Sometimes I fail at that -- and find myself being a screaming, yelling, out of control maniac of a Mom. I've realized this is one of the best journeys life could ever give you. For me.. because its unpredictable.. and that makes it really, really exciting!

Our little book worm! She is taking after her Mama more and more everyday!
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A couple years with my Nikon, I can say I have throughly enjoyed every moment with this camera.
I'm sad to retire it ( not fully! ) .. but I'm excited to use my Canon and see where it takes me!
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being sick, she did a lot of this!
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In some moments of feeling better!
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 we love bath time mohawks!
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By Thursday, baby noses were drying up so we decided to hit the mall and meet Jenica for lunch. Cole has grown to appreciate "Hot Dog on a Stick" just as much as me. I'm tellin ya, fried cheese - can't resist it! We introduced it to Jenica!! I think she is hooked too!
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the mall has great natural lighting! This is the excuse I'll be giving my husband the next time he gets the bill! 
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Cole has hit the stage where he HATES to have his picture taken. So, in a quiet moment...

I took full advantage!
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A couple photos from the game.

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Halloween was celebrated. The neighborhood gathered for a fire and potluck. We have such incredible neighbors. These people are just a little part of what makes our lives great!

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The night was cold, so our little Tinker Bell sported her green and blue fleece hoodie and pants suit. Since Peter Pan lost his hat, I figured what the heck! Tinker's body suit can eat dirt tonight because its just fricken cold!!  And she totally pulled it off! .. and so did our Peter Pan who so many thought was some sort of lucky charm or green guy. No worries bubba, You are sooo Peter Pan!
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and just for a giggle. You can always depend on my husband to give you a good laugh!
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Respect.

Letting your heart speak. But, doing it respectively.
Til next time!

Look at those eyes. --- or eye! =)
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