Since I was little, I can remember precisely what I wanted to be when I grew up.
And any chance I was given to pretend I was just that..
That I was a real " grown-up " with my own house. My own curtains.
My own kitchen sink and walls I could decorate however I wanted..
I would pretend..
I would make believe that I was a wife and a Mom.
My dolls would be dressed and named real life baby names I imagined I would someday name my real life babies.
" Kirra" and " Kate " didn't make my list years later..
But my real life is way better then the one I would imagine as a child.
Sometimes I think back to when it was just me and Paul.
When we were able to sleep naked and as late as we wanted.
When driving to Palm Springs for a night getaway didn't involve taking half the house because
'you never know what might happen! '
When dinners were quiet and our house was sparkling clean and as close to perfect as possible.
When we couldn't wait to be called " Mommy" and " Daddy" and the endless conversations we would have on " what if's " and " what about this name " and " someday.. "
Turning 28 this year, I feel like the closer to thirty I get.. the more in tune I am becoming with my body and soul. Linking both so that my whole world just flows. The people around me have been specifically chosen and placed for very specific reasons, and all of my dreams and thoughts of " someday.." are falling right into their designated place.
When I read " pregnant " for the first time, I knew it was going to be the first of many changes to come. I knew it would bring change and evolve our lives into something great. Into something bigger.
Into something we had endless conversations about.
But you don't know ... your imagination can't bring you even close to the feeling you get when your eyes lock with your creation for the very first time.
Or watching your babies heart beat.. the one you grew. Watching it closely night after night .. and seeing their chest rise and fall with each beautiful, sweet breath.
Although our house isn't sparkling because the tile floor isn't white, and half the time you can't see the hardwood floors because of the toys and endless amounts of crap that lay over them...
Today our house is sparkling because its lived in.
Because memories are in the making and babies are being molded and perfectly formed into the people who are responsible for turning our stomaches when they get too close to an edge..
and make us want to scream because its the 'too many times to count' that Savannah's been in the dogfood.
Yes. Our house is jumping on its legs with deep belly laughs and the smell of something yummy thats for sure going to put more cellulite on your legs.
"Mommy " and "Daddy" are everyday, constant words being used.. and its music to our ears every time they are heard.
Yes, somedays are better then others.
Somedays Savannah has decided to not color on the walls or dump baby powder everywhere. And when the two don't happen in the same day.. then sometimes, thats even better.
But on the days it does happen.
On the days that are trying and testing. When I feel like I'm one more argument over the caterpillar book - away from having a complete nervous breakdown...
On the days that I just need a minute of peace and quiet..
Its those days I must..
no!
I need to remind myself ..
that this is all I have ever wanted.
That I use to " pretend " to be right where I am.
my Mothers Day breakfast! Its a favorite. Biscuits, gravy, sausage, and lots of hotsauce =)
" Kirra " and " Kate " are now..
real life, Savannah...
and Cole.
And one day, I'm going to look back and see this and wish I was here again.
Wishing I was pulling Tonka out of the dogfood and being the referee between a brother and sister.
Wishing I was scrambling eggs for breakfast while watching Savannah rub her morning eyes and suck her pacifier like its to a steady beat of song!
Wishing I was wiping tear-filled eyes because they didn't get their way..
and trying to explain why.... a boy is a boy and a girl is a girl!
Wishing I was sitting in the park watching my babies take in all that is around them.
he sees what I see!
sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of life.. we forget to just -- look up!
The older I get, the more I am learning to appreciate the moment and realize its all short lived.
Savannah not wanting to take her two hour nap ....
I so desperatly need to survive the rest of the day without breaking down,
is short-lived.
Its temporary.
Its only a phase, and here we are, a couple weeks later and she is napping just as she should.
Just as she always has.
and how its so important. Its so vital that I pay attention to the little things and soak them in.
Like the way Savannah rolls her eyes to their corners when her brother is starting to annoy her. This is the beginning of her explosive " I've had enough!" that we can always count on happening at least.. once a day!
How Cole goes down a slide. He tries to brave. He tries to be free and go down the bright yellow whirlwind of a thing that screams to kids from the parking lot " YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SLIDE DOWN, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! " ..
He is still cautious and careful. Holding his hands out to their sides and ready to stop if he ever has too.
And when Savannah runs to the bottom because she still hasn't learned that when someone is sliding down a slide, and your at the bottom waiting.. you can really get hurt.
I thank him for paying attention. For paying more attention then any kid I've ever met!
While motherhood is the most challenging of duties and roles in life.
Its the most rewarding.
I'm learning to present. Even if its a bad moment.
Even if its hard.
Because one day.. someday..
I'm going to look back and wish I was right where I am.
To my babies who have made me " Mommy" ...
You have given me the best gift. You have given me everything I've ever wished for, pretended to be when I was a baby, and hoped to have as a grown-up. I hope to make you proud.
Our hearts are one forever!
