Saturday, January 26, 2013

being present

I keep promising myself that I'll be better at blogging my personal stories... 
That I'll do it more often, the way I use to! 

It has been so hard for me to bounce back into our pre-holiday routine. 
The routine that involved the gym and a daily game plan on how I'll attack 
all of my responsibilities and still be sane before dinner and bath time. 

I've failed, horribly. 

More specifically, this last week has been our worse so far! 

Runny noses, horrible chest coughs, and tired eyes required us to 
lock up the house, stay in pjs all day, all week---- and watch 'Tangled' and the newest 'Ice Age'
over and over and over.

It was the perfect recipe for a 'Mama breakdown' that happened somewhere 
between Thursday morning and Thursday night... 
When we found out Daddy would be working again on Friday, Saturday, and possibly Sunday.

The ugly, gloomy, rainy weather didn't help at all!

No school for Cole. 
No gym for Mama. 
Locked up in the house with rainy weather. 
Not seeing Daddy ALL week. 

Yes, I melted. 
I broke. 

I cried. 
and I yelled... 
a lot!

In fact, I really hated myself this week. 
I was the Mommy I swore I'd never be.

 Friday, while Daddy was at work... 
I asked Nannie who she wanted to be for the day.
Since she was Minnie the day before... 
It was Bell's turn! 
I made coffee. 
I kept the TV off. 
I practically overdosed on Delsum and made sure to keep cough drops in arms reach. 

In the wake of the New Year was an opportunity for new beginnings. 
A universal ( kind of ) time when everyone sets goals and aspirations and resolutions.
My main goal/resolution was to be better. 
To be present. 
To be organized so I can be present. So far...I've been neither. 
Another resolution was to be forgiving of myself. To know that not everything is in my control and to roll with the punches. Like catching a really bad cold. Like rainy weeks. Like Daddy working late nights and not seeing him for four days straight and being told that the possibility of him not being home through the weekend may very well happen... 
Putting a smile on my face and rolling into dinner and bath time solo for the 6th night in a row after feeling like death is knocking on my door because I'm coughing hard enough to feel like I'm a cough away from hacking up a lung. Maybe both lungs!

Those resolutions and goals and aspirations took a backseat so the scraping by without going totally insane took passenger to me trying my best to just get through the day. If any of that makes sense. I'm not too sure it does... but if you're a Mommy you totally get it!

Daddy made an unexpected appearance...
Around lunch time. 
Groceries in hand, and orange tulips. 
And he's home as I type. And its Saturday.
Because of the rain I've complained about for the last 5 or 6 almost paragraphs!

Resolutions, goals and aspirations are great. They're great to make and have. 
And its even better if you have the follow through to see them through. 
But then there's life. 

There's the reality that sometimes... sometimes you just gotta roll with the snotty noses and the delsum and the fact that you're solo on this parent train, and thats ok. 

This morning I woke up with the company of having my second half present. 

I checked my email, bank accounts, paid a few bills, started this blog post and editing the pictures you see here. 
 I sent a text to a couple of friends asking if they could join us for dinner tonight and started to look at some recipes of what I wanted to make for dinner.
And right smack in the middle of it, my Nannie Bear grabbed my hand and mumbled what I knew was 'Come, follow me! ' 
Hand in hand she led me to a game where it was 'boys against the girls.' 
It was Nannie Bear and Mommy vs. Cole and Daddy. 
It was a foosball game where we laughed and cheered and booed eachother. 
With every shot and goal Cole made on his own where he held his arms up and yelled

I was present. And it was good. 

My floors are dirty. I have loads of laundry to catch up on and a list of things to do this week since this last week which happened to be the last one of the month, was spent hacking up my lungs ( literally ) and yelling from the couch. But, we move through it. We push forward. We forgive ourselves and realize that although we are now moving into the second month of the year and we've failed at accomplishing the goals we set only four weeks before... 
We haven't failed. 
Those goals just haven't been accomplished yet. And thats ok. 
What I have accomplished though... 
Forgiving myself. Being honest. And being present. 

We're off to pour a couple of Mimosas. Prepare for tonights dinner with some good friends. 
And be present in it all. 

I'd typically ask you to stay tuned for a future post. 
My newest resolution. 
Take a day at a time. 

So with that and the resolution of being honest... 
I have no idea when my next post might be. 

For now, 
Cheers to being present!

....and Happy Weekend my friends!

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